So I was looking back into my memory and this makes me smile.
Meeting Jon Me: Hi. I'm Hiromi. What's your name? Jon: Jonathan. Me: That's too long. I'll call you, John.
I haven't been on AIM for a LONG time. But hey...I decided to sign on. I don't even remember how I got Jon's sn. I didn't care for him much. I know because I was kind, at first. I'm mean when I like a boy.
Jon: We're having a BBQ at my house. Me: That sounds nice. Jon: There's going to be a lot of food. Do you want to come? Me: Sure, when is it? Jon: Tomorrow at 12 Me: Okay. Where's your house? Jon: 1060 W. Addison Me: I'll be there. Jon: Parking is going to be difficult. Me: I'll manage. Jon: Look up the address. Me: ok. (5 minutes pass) Me: WOW! No wonder it's hard parking! You live across the street from Wrigley Field! (lucky!) Jon: That IS Wrigley Field! (dumb girl!) Me: WHAT?! Then, where's your house? Jon: There is no BBQ. Me: (hurt) I was about to go there tomorrow! You're such a jack*ss! (This means war!) Jon: (probably laughing!!!) I'm sorry Me: I deserve a sorry card that YOU make. I'm SO mad at you. (In fact, I was so embarrassed!! I thought I would NEVER date this guy.) Jon:
Me: (well...that did the trick. He's FUNNY!) Apology accepted. (Jack*ss) Jon: Let's go biking tomorrow. Me: (This should be easy. I'm a quick biker.) Are you lying? Jon: No, let's bike. Me: Sure. (I'm bringing my brother.)
I didn't know Jon could bike as a fast a car. Hmph. I'll make him crumple, as soon as I can.
The way he asked me to eat with him sounded awkward to me. Jon: Do you want to have dinner with me? Me: (Dinner? Do people ask like that?! This is NOT a date! Charming, though.) Are you paying? Jon: Sure. Me: (HAHA! Does he like me? This is going to be fun.) Okay. Jon: Where would you like to go? Me: Happy Cafe (That's where my ex-crush used to eat. I only have one favorite. Truthfully, I dislike "real" Chinese food.)
That's where we meet Jon's crush with her family. Sucker!! What a coincidence that he declined to go with them. *smirk* It's HIS time to get embarrassed. You should've seen their and HIS face! It is one of my favorite moments with him. Although I didn't like him (at the time), Jon became MINE.
*smile* 2 years... and I think our times are still like that. Normal. Nothing romantic. It's been worse...it's been better. But it's normal. Like friendship. Nothing changed. I was considering him to be my "bigger" brother. It was HE who wanted "more." Geez...he just wanted to be called "boyfriend." I cringed when I hear "girlfriend." I rather be called "fiance" or "wife" than a simple "girlfriend." Girlfriend means I belong to someone. And I don't want to belong to someone. I rather be caredby someone. That's exactly what I got.
Argh. This sounds romantic. Let me ruin it by saying that Jon is STILL a jerk. Don't worry, he calls me a
today is a nice day cuz people are being nice to me today
mom hugged me
my cousin told me to go to gameworks
even though i decline, i like being asked (i'm the pretty cousin)
dad put an aircon in my room (now jon will not get too hot)
dad put screws on my door so I can put my scheduler up (i always wanted one!)
i put vitamin K on my face so i can get rid of the eyebaggs and markings on my face
(jon said that i don't need it)
and i'm happy school is almost over
plus
today is hot. i like it cuz my house feels like stuffy. it's better than cold winters.
the only bad parts of my day is
I stepped on a tack and my foot bleeded. i'm sharp-thing-phobic. i washed my foot and put a bandaid.
and that victoria's secret sold out on their tankini tops for my size.
i'm 34B!! i wanna be C cuz i'm a small person so C will look BIG on me.
now i can't pretend to have big boobs
i blame jon cuz i could've bought this tankini earlier. but nooo... i still love him cuz he's never mad at me.
i guess i'll wear my current ONE piece bathing suit that i like (that jon thinks covers me up too much)
:D let's go shopping for bathing suits, jon! i need flip flops, a hat, and cover clothes!
i bought sunscreen for him; it was on sale! i dont want him to have skin cancer. what is that?
anyway, today was a good day for me.
mom bought me shoes. :D now i just gotta do some reading homework and i'll be super happy!
me: Hide. Do you smell that?
hide: my nose is broken.
me: It smells like burning. Hiroshi!
hiroshi: I smell it too.
hide: now i can smell it.
me: is it your computer? is it my tv? *me smelling everything* It's your computer!
me: DOWNSTAIRS?! Do you think downstairs is burning?!
*sirens*
hide: It's outside! *runs out* *runs back in* The apartment across the street is burning!!
me: HIROSHI!! The apartment is burning!!
hiroshi: OUR house?!
me: The house across!!
*we all run outside; and we see blazes coming out of the right side of the building*
me: FIRE! That apartment is on fire!!
there was a lot of smoke and the fire almost went to the apartment next
to it. the firemen went inside, broke the windows, and put out
the fire.
Only kids were in the apartment. No one else was home.
Hide has a video.
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The Tradeoff
Jon gets girl; I get affection
Jon bought me baby roses! they're so tiny and cute!
He got me propel powder and put it in my car to surprise me
He loves me SOOOOOO much. And the customers think they can beat Jon. Nope!
Cuz Jon loves me when I don't have make-up. He LOOOOVES me, no matter how sloppy or stinky I am. :D
I am SO lucky!! And he grabs me whenever I want. :D
I am so self-centered... but I feel so good that my mom, Jon, and
Hiroshi loves me. I know Hide and my dad loves me. I'm so
special. :D Even though I am skipping around the house so
giddy, looking annoying, they still love me.
I get so much respect; that's why I can smile really nice.
me: Hiroshi!! *shakes him* Hiroshi!!
hiroshi: i can't hear you *covers his ears*
me: Hiroshi!! Are you jealous? Are you jealous of ate? [cuz i'm perfect? and have money?]
hiroshi: I can't hear you
me: are you? are you jealous?
hiroshi: i can't hear you
me: don't u love me? don't you love ate?
hiroshi: *hands tightly on his ears*
me: *shakes him* don't you love me? Hiroshi!! I want a
hug! Hiroshi don't love me. *pouts* I want a hug!!
hiroshi: *slowly releases his hands and gives me a hug*
me: a real hug! I want a real hug! don't u love ate?
hiroshi: *gives a hard hug*
me: don't u love ate?
hiroshi: i don't know
me: *pouts* I want u to love me!! say that you love me!
hiroshi: fine.
me: yey! hiroshi loves me!!
and so there, my baby brother loves me.
me: YOU'LL ALWAYS BE THE BABY!! Cuz you'll always be NINE years younger than me. You'll NEVER catch up.
hiroshi: I want a baby brother!!
me: Nope. It's impossible. Mama is too old.
me: Mama said she can't have anymore babies.
hiroshi: She's lying!! I want a baby brother!!
me: Mama said adopted baby. How about an adopted baby brother?
hiroshi: It's not the same!
me: what do u mean? He's still a baby brother.
hiroshi: He's not blood related!!
me: How about daddy gives his sperm to another woman's body? He'll be your half brother!
hiroshi: I don't want that! It's not the same!!
me: I can give you a nephew.
hiroshi: I don't want a nephew!! I want a baby brother!
me: why not? Why not a nephew?
hiroshi: *rolls around on the bed* I'll still be the
youngest!!! *pouts* I want a baby brother!! *wraps himself
with the blanket*
me: [muhahhaaha. BABY BABY BABY!! BABY HIIIIIROOOOOSHIIIII ] Nope. You're gonna be the baby FOREVER!!
I don't like working at the restaurant. I don't like
people. Especially the angry looking ones. I don't like
people who don't smile. Because then I get intimidated.
They don't look pretty. Plus, they look mean. Then, I get
mad. I think, "WHY ARE YOU MAD AT ME!!" Then I get more
mad. But I can't do anything. I just stay mad.
Because then people won't like me. I don't like people, but I
want them to like me. Then, I get mad cuz I am thinking stupid.
People are burdens. They care for themselves unless they're your
parents. Because they're investing in you and they want you to
stay alive. No point in spending money on a child if you want to
kill the kid. Well, I wouldn't.
I really really don't feel good. Why don't I like people? Because they just make me SO MAD!
Why don't you smile!
Why are you so annoying!
STUPID! YOU! You're stupid!
Not only YOU! HIM, HIM, and HER and HER!!
Are you angry at me?! Huh, Huh, huh!!
Well, YOU CAN'T!! Cuz I was angry first!!
And so... I am so angry.
I am glad my mom, daddy, brothers, and Jon loves me. Because they
live with me everyday (including Jon) and put up with my crazy anger
and conceitedness. I'm not very angry at them because they have
to see me angry everyday.
So even though I'm glad that some people like me, I'm VERY VERY glad
that mom, daddy, Hide, Hiroshi, and Jon loves me very very much.
They love me SOOOOOO much.
So that's what I think about when I see people making me angry.
This is my mind when I get angry:
You look ugly! You're mean looking! SMILE! You DAMN idiot! RETARD!
Mommy loves me. Daddy loves me. Jon LOVES me. My brothers love me.
But YOU, yes YOU!! YOU are STUPID! STUPID!!
But it's ok, because I have people who love me. (No one likes YOU!)
Cuz no matter how angry I get, Jon loves me! My family thinks I'm great, and they love ME!
Then, I get happy again. now you know what goes on in my head, a lot. yup, a lot!
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People ask about my confidence. How great it is. It's because of the power of love.
I think I have a social disorder since I was little. Yup.
That's how I've been thinking since Hide was born. Then, I was
sorry for thinking like that to him. Cuz then, he tried to kill
me. Cuz I know he got jealous, but deep down, he really loves me.
In elementary, I didn't like people because everyone was stupid.
I like my books. And I read and read. But the teacher
wanted me to have friends. How annoying and he took my book
away. I wasn't TOO mad cuz I already finished the book. He
got lucky.
In middle school, I guess the class was small so I wanted to integrate. It was fun.
In high school, I got bored. I wanted my books back. But
it's been so long since then, I lost touch and went crazy. The
social counselor didn't help me. Because I thought he was stupid
too.
So I quit, and went to college. I like it. Because people
have their own lives. No one really bothers you. There's
too many people and they're too busy to pay attention to you.
Except...the teachers. They always pay attention to me! Cuz
they said I stand out. Why?! NO! I sit in the back
for a reason! They said I was smart and I belong in Honors.
I said, NO! I want to be invisible. But they did not
understand... I want my book.
Can you hear my cries? I want my book... or my textbook.
That's why I get so sad. I get sad when I can't study.
People are stupid. Why do you want to study but yet not be too
alone? why? that's why I think I'm stupid. So I get
sad.
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And so I believe I am mentally ill. I make images in my
head. I get scared of things that are not there. I get
scared of a horror book. My imagination drives me nuts. But
somehow I keep getting good grades all my life. Why?
So I believe I'm one of those really bright people who get good grades
but is crazy. Maybe my IQ is high but I'm socially inable and I'm
crazy. I might need to take medicine for it. But then I
would have to admit I'm TRULY crazy and have bad sex and have no
children. NO! I want kids. So, I will put up with my
crazy mind.
I have to stay strong. Cuz since I was little, the images grow more clearer. It's freaking me out!
I told Jon, and so I imagine myself clinging on him whenever the
monster in my head appears in the bathroom with me. I don't want
to describe her cuz she's really scary. So don't ask me!
And so... I establish... I am insane. but smart.
I'm one of those lucky people who are smart but crazy.
now you know what goes on in my head, a lot. yup, a lot!